Every week feels like a bit of a #28fail for this battler – missed workouts, good intentions turned Shiraz, and, well, just a few too many lattès and snacks every day. No matter what inspirational slogan appears amongst our Facebook group, I’ll find some way to violate it. At the moment, I’d be happy to settle on “progress is perfection”, but I’m not even meeting this criterion, and after 12 full months, I may very well be regressing. Perhaps I’ve been looking at it all from the wrong angle – not just during my time as a 28er, but my entire life. I’ve been looking at it from the outside, hoping for it to work its way to the inside.
And so I began my 28 journey 12 months ago the way most of us did. I looked in the mirror, shrugged in disappointment, took my measurements, started to move my body, turned it into habit, ran on the endorphins, saw results, and rode the good vibrations. Mission accomplished, right? …Wrong.
I achieved this much, at first, and looked and felt great. Then, a few kilos crept back on, and before I knew it, I was yo-yoing again. Some of you might relate to that dreadful feeling of yo-yoing when you think you may have conquered your weight management issues once and for all – it is gut-wrenchingly shit when you realise that you haven’t and the vicious circle turns again. The self-pitying doubt that a yo-yoer experiences is such a waste of precious emotional energy, yet so bloody hard to absolve yourself of.
My biggest issue, I believe, is my head; It’s complex, more than not, it’s self-negating, it’s stubborn as crap, and especially good at convincing itself that it’s not worthy enough of happiness or success. It’s okay to be all of these things, sometimes, for the sake of humility, but not in excess. Because, you can be sure that any form of excess is a sign of emotional binging. And I’m an emotional binger, in life, generally. I carry stress to the point that I can feel it tensing up like a ball of electricity in my body, and I often eat, zombie-like and soullessly, when I’m stressed or feeling unworthy. I read, once, that when you begin to feed your self-worth, you no longer need to feed it with food. We are all worthy just as we are – I, for one, am a loving mum, a dedicated teacher, an empath who loves to makes others laugh and take pride in their own individual wonderfulness, and yet, I struggle through, day-by-day, diminished, defeated, in flux, and yo-yoing. I’ve become an expert at avoiding myself, too. It is no wonder my running, once beloved for the self-healing qualities it possesses, is being affected. You see, running forces me to listen in on my inner voice, my deeper, core self, and I’ve been avoiding it, and hence skipping out on my runs as well.
I’m writing this because I don’t want to look back at my time on 28 and think, “you failed.” I believe in the program – I have always preached the slogan #28erforlife with true heart and conviction. However, I have to believe in myself – this is a top priority non-negotiable if ever there was one. 12 months on, I’m hitting the reset button and this, in itself, is an accomplishment, because I was on the verge of hitting “quit”. I’m only making one commitment – it is free of expectation, free of numbers and scales, and most importantly, free of pointless guilt.
On this leg of my 28 journey, I’m going to start from the inside and then work my way out, layer by layer. My body can’t transform me, only my mind can. I might have only narrowly passed this round, but I can be certain of one thing – that it ‘aint a #28fail if you don’t give up.
I am worthy, you are worthy, we are all worthy – it’s time to start believing it. From there, slowly but surely, everything else will follow.
28 Blog Street is open for guest posts from fellow 28ers… If you’d like to share your 28 story or experience and feel like you want to write more than a Facebook post, I’d love to hear from you! Get in touch x